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Binge urges are super strong right now. All I want is to go to the store spend what money I have on food then lock myself away to binge and purge.
It's eating at my fucking mind right now. I'm stresses and irritated by the urge to b/p. I can't handle this anymore.
Its never going to stop. I'll never be successful in school, find a good job, have long lasting friendships, have any sort of relationship, or eat like a normal fucking healthy person. It's causing tension between my family and I, they rightfully think its disgusting and I'm disgusting for it. No future, purpose or use. I never do anything worth jackshit. I don't want deal with it anymore. I don't even fully want to stop it. Nothing feels better than binging and purging, you zone out and nothing matters for that short time. You only hate yourself again after its done.
I had such great control over it just a few years ago. Like maybe purge after a meal now and then, but this is fucked.
But at the same time it's not bad enough for treatment. My doctor said im healthy on paper, my blood had very few issues and was pretty good, heart sounded normal. I'm not thin enough either. There is no problem other than just me being stupid and doing shitty things for no good reason. I don't understand why it's so difficult to just eat 3 meals a day and not lose control.
So today going to either binge and purge to hell or fast. Because there is no fucking inbetween. Already know it's going to be a terrible day. The glands under my jaw are really swollen it's hidous. My throat hurts so much more than normal, i'm tasting blood, feeling weak and lazy as shit and having chest pains. So tired of this. If today is another binge purge day I dont even want to fucking live.
It feels like I'm constantly going in circles. Of restrict binge purge restrict binge purge.
Heres a cute gif
Well this was depressing to think about but killed some time typing it out. Can't wait to read this later and cringe at how pathetic and whiney I am. Lol.
Lol im weak
However the way ive planned it even if i did not purge.... i should just maintain. Ifff i stay in control of it
Also bought ingrediants for my laxetive hot chocolate. Lovely winter treat.
MAKE IT STOOOOP
Edit. Didnt get to opening the reeses icecream. Had to purge after the muffin donuts and gelato. Was hell to purge i thought it would be much easier. Snuck out side to throw out the reeses. Waste of money... my heart hurts so bad i wish id never eat again
My stomach is still protruding and hurts so bad. Can't purge anymore tho. Will b phat 4ever
edit:....i regret throwing that icecream out now, but i hate myself enough already. It would make it worse and me fatter, but at the same timeit would make me feel better for like 10 min
Theres no point in living like this. Food is the only thing i ever think about and it ruins everything. The only option my doctor offered was to go to stay at a treatment center. I don't want any of this
Whelp. Starting now imma try a 48 hour fast. I wish someone was here to supervise my fasts and force me to stick to them. Like a fairy god mother of shame
I hope i dont wake up